On Milestones and Memories
by Wootiful
Summary: A sequel to "On love and I love you". James, Carlos and Katie's perspectives on Kendall and Logan's new relationship.
1. Maturity: The Present

James hangs up the phone and sighs, running one hand distractedly through his hair and reaching for his cup of coffee.

From across the apartment's small kitchen Camille lifts an eye brow at him; she must have been eavesdropping from behind her newspaper.

James shrugs, because he doesn't have an answer for her unspoken question. She certainly heard enough of the conversation to piece together the rest. Kendall and Logan invited them to Thanksgiving dinner, promising a loud, messy affair with all Kendall's kids and the band and Katie and Mrs. Knight and Mrs. Knight's new husband and who knows who else.

James should be excited, should be eager to spend Thanksgiving with them. He should be happy for them. But he isn't, and _that_ is the question he can't answer.

He settles into a chair across from Camille and stares despondently at the kitchen table, trying to sort out his thoughts.

Obviously, he should be thrilled that Kendall and Logan are finally together, finally happy, but instead he's unnerved by it, and worse, he knows from Kendall's almost tentative tone over the phone that they know he's uncomfortable.

Worst of all, James can't understand why he cares; he never did before.

He hadn't cared when they were kids and Logan stared at Kendall with puppy dog eyes. He hadn't cared when a teenage Logan quietly came out of the closet and even more quietly admitted he was in love with Kendall. James certainly hadn't minded when he realized Kendall, on some level, felt the same way and just didn't know it yet. James hadn't even blinked when he realized that they were screwing around behind Jo's back, for all the trouble it might cause.

But now, now that they're happy, now that they have a life together, they bother James.

He sighs again.

"They're a family now," he muses out loud, "they're settling down. They're raising kids and celebrating holidays. They're a _family_."

"And?" Camille prompts.

"They're reaching all kinds of milestones in life, careers, family and all that. They're growing up," he breaks off before adding quietly, "they'll leave me behind."

"Maybe," Camille says as she stands and begins clearing the table of the breakfast dishes, "maybe you need to grow up too. Maybe," she continues cocking an eyebrow, "you need to admit that we're a family."

James feigns horror as he stands.

"You just want to keep me barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen," he accuses wrapping his arms around Camille, "and I'm too young to get pregnant; I'd lose my girlish figure."

Camille laughs and returns his hug before pulling away to continue with the dishes.

James reaches for his phone, ignoring Camille's questioning look, and hits a number on his speed dial.

"Hey Logan," he says when he hears his friend's greeting on the other end, "it's me, James."

"No, no, nothing is wrong. I just realized that I forgot to ask what I could bring to Thanksgiving."

This sends Logan in to a rush of happy plans and details, to which James only half listens. He feels the tension slide away, and thinks maybe growing up won't be that bad.


	2. Nostalgia: The Past

Disclaimer: I think I forgot a disclaimer on the first chapter, so, just in case anyone was confused, I didn't own BTR then and I don't own them now.

Carlos realizes as he checks over his finances that Camp North Star was going to turn a profit for the first time. He bought it five years ago on on a whim when he heard that it-the beloved summer camp of his childhood-was going out of business and, until now, it'd been all he could do to keep the camp breaking even. This, he decides, calls for celebration.

So, the week before the campers were due to arrive for the summer, Kendall, Logan and James-who are still Carlos' closest friends-drive up to Minnesota from California.

It's not the first time that all four of them have been back to the camp since they were kids, but it is the first time that it's been just them.

They came up when Carlos first bought the place. Kendall and Jo were pretending to be the perfect family, brandishing their children as proof. James and Camille were in an awkward transition from roommates to lovers. And Logan was carefully resigning himself to a life spent alone.

But now Jo's gone, Camille's busy and Logan's beloved.

The lack of tension amazes Carlos; he can barely think of a time when the four of them have been this at ease since before they formed Big Time Rush.

They hike, they swim, they knock each other off inflatable rafts. They eat fish sticks, play hockey on the grass with a pine cone puck and sprawl on the couch to watch "The Mighty Ducks". They forget about mortgages and marriages and they pretend they're still fifteen.

The reminders of their age remain— the fact the no one is yelling at them to behave, the beers with dinner, the quick kisses and clasped hands between Kendall and Logan— but they enhance the nostalgia of the moment by removing the flaws of the past.

The innocent illusion breaks when Kendall and Carlos go night fishing.

Carlos explains that fishing is more fun when you can't see and Kendall agrees. They leave Logan curled half-asleep around a book and James declaring that fish stink from behind a magazine of celebrity gossip.

Once they get settled by the shore of the lake, Kendall lapses into a brooding silence.

"Wondering if it could have been like this when we were kids?" Carlos asks.

"What?" Kendall's still half lost in thought.

"I said you're wondering if you and Logan could have been dated when you were younger, if you could have been happy then like you are now."

"Yeah," Kendall agrees, "I suppose. I don't know— it's just— I really messed some things up, didn't I?"

"You used him."

Carlos tries to keep his voice as neutral as possible, but Kendall hears the accusation anyway. He opens his mouth to deny it but Carlos doesn't give him the chance.

"No. Kendall, you two were never the same with each other as you were with other people. You always expected him to be there, whenever you wanted him, without ever questioning why he would be. He was always the other man in your life, even when he wasn't. You needed him but you were never willing to give him what he needed. And you knew, on some level, you knew he wasn't just a friend. But you wouldn't love him and you wouldn't let him stop loving you."

"I didn't— I tried— I—" Kendall gives up and changes tact. "Why didn't anyone ever say anything?"

Carlos shrugs.

"I wanted to but Logan didn't want you to know and James thought we should stay out of it, so I got overruled. I think your mom tried to drop hints but she didn't want to say anything outright without the whole story. And Katie's way out of her depth when it comes to romance. Nobody else knew you both well enough to want to get involved. For a while I tried telling Logan he deserved better but it never worked so eventually I shut up."

Carlos pauses to see if Kendall will try to defend himself. When he doesn't, Carlos relents some.

"Maybe I judged you too harshly. I thought you were stringing him along because you afraid to lose him. James thought you were afraid to have him; he always thought Logan'd get his happy ending. So maybe he was right not to be mad. It's just— God damn it— you asked him to drop everything and drive to LA to pick out your engagement ring for somebody who never loved you as much as he did. And everybody knew it but you. You were too busy living your denial, getting what you wanted. And that is unforgivable."

"So why are we still friends?" Kendall asks, his voice desolate.

"Because I forgave you. Because you would never intentionally hurt Logan. Because it was his choice to keep being used. Because you're an idiot but not a bastard. Because I see how you look at him. Because I know that you love him."

"But I haven't earned you forgiveness."

"What do you mean."

"I've acted like the world's biggest turd and you all let it slide, but I haven't done anything to make it better. I haven't done anything to fix it."

"There's nothing you can do." Carlos sighs, "the past is past; you can't change how you acted. And anyway, if you had gotten together with Logan when you were fifteen I doubt you would have stayed together until you were thirty. As it is, you didn't start your relationship until you were thirty-one, but you have a good shot at still being together at sixty. All you can do is move on with your life."

"You're wrong," the edge of panic is gone from Kendall's voice; he sounds completely calm, collected and confident. "I can't change the past but I can learn from it. I can show Logan everyday what he means to me. I can never take him for granted again. I will never take him for granted again."

Carlos feels half a lifetime's worth of tension melt away; he recognizes that tone of voice. It's the tone that Kendall saves for announcing his most ridiculous, impossible, convoluted plans. And those are the plans that always come true.


End file.
